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I've been studying apologies—and the people who can't give them—for more than two decades. But you don't need to be an expert on the subject to recognize when a bad apology flattens you. Here’s a list of the nine essential ingredients of a  true  apology. The next time you need to offer an apology—or are on the receiving end of an apology that doesn't cut it—remember these guidelines. A true apology does not include the word “but” (“I’m sorry, but …”). “But” automatically cancels out an apology, and nearly always introduces a criticism or excuse.   A true apology keeps the focus on your actions—and  not  on the other person’s response. For example, “I’m sorry that you felt hurt by what I said at the party last night,” is  not an apology . Try instead, “I’m sorry about what I said at the party last night. It was insensitive and uncalled for.” Own your behavior and  apologize  for it, period.   A true apology does not overdo. It s...

This is the caption on a poster of the  spiritual  teacher, Swami Satchitdananda who is pictured wearing a loincloth while crouching on a surfboard riding the ocean waves. It’s a profound reminder that no matter how hard we try, sometimes we will make mistakes. Life brings us trouble at times, and we inadvertently make trouble for ourselves. It can’t be helped. “Learning to surf” is a metaphor for becoming adept at handling life’s difficulties and successfully repairing errors or mistakes that we may have made. Since we are all (no exceptions) mistake-prone, to varying degrees, it behooves us to become adept in the art of making effective repairs and corrections. We should, of course, by all means make our best effort to do it “right” the first time, but being human, our best efforts won’t always prevent us from having moments or days when we wish that we could do that one over again. Since we can’t always do “do-overs,” the next best thing is to correct our mistakes, an...

No matter how hard we try, there are sure to be breakdowns of all kinds, misunderstandings, broken agreements, not having our needs met, unhealed wounds that get activated, and other provocations that send us straight into conflict. It’s not the negative interactions themselves that are the problem; it’s how we respond to them that makes the biggest difference. Couples with high-performance relationships are champs, because they know what to do to repair the disconnection quickly after it occurs. Consider the following examples of repair: 1. Acceptance:  First of all, they don’t  fear  conflict to the point where they deny the issue. They are willing to tell the truth when alignment is interrupted. 2. Attitude:  They accept that conflict isn’t dangerous, and that it even has some advantages when utilized properly. The dark side of relationships offers up opportunities to compare contrasting experiences and perspectives that can be a creative process leadi...

Here are some guidelines for addressing challenging discussions with your partner that you may find useful. Acknowledge to your partner that you have an incompletion. This can take the form of a simple statement such as “There’s something that I feel unfinished about and I’d like to speak with you about it. Is this a good time?” If they say ‘no’, seek to create agreement to a time that will be convenient for both of you. (Note: Be specific and make sure that you both have an adequate amount of time available to do the matter justice. Assume that the conversation will take longer than you think it should.) State your intention in having the conversation. It should be something that will ultimately benefit you both, such as “My hope in having us both address my concern is that we can both experience greater trust.” Provide your partner some guidance that will help them to know how they can best support you in this process, such as: “It would be helpful to me if you can just l...

Unfinished business, unresolved issues, emotional baggage, irreconcilable differences, misunderstandings—call them what you will, but they’re not good for relationships. We call them  incompletions , which seems like a fitting term since their presence leaves us feeling like there’s something missing, unfinished, or incomplete in our relationships. What's missing is the feeling that things are okay between us, that our connection is complete as is, and that nothing needs to be done or said in order for each of us to feel secure and at peace at this time. When we feel incomplete, there is a gnawing sense that something is  not  okay and we  don’t  feel a sense of ease, trust, and connection. Some couples experience a pervasive sense of incompletion because they have failed to adequately address and come to terms with the broken places between them and now believe that feeling to be the norm—they no longer even expect to experience anything else. This pe...

Compassionate listening is a critical skill for a strong relationship, so that your partner feels cared for and understood. Here are six key elements of listening compassionately to your partner when he or she wants to share their feelings. Don't try to fix the problem or give advice unless specifically asked. Sometimes we just want to be listened to and have our feelings heard. When we're hurting we need  empathy , not advice. It's natural to want to help and offer instant solutions to someone we love, but advice might not be what that person needs at that moment. Men, especially, tend to be problem-solvers but should bear this in mind and just listen to the problem sometimes. Be patient and don't get frustrated if your partner can't say what he or she feels right away. Sometimes it takes time for a person to find words to express what he or she is feeling. Silence and patience help people give voice to their feelings. Don't take your partner's fe...