Are You a Champion of Repair?

No matter how hard we try, there are sure to be breakdowns of all kinds, misunderstandings, broken agreements, not having our needs met, unhealed wounds that get activated, and other provocations that send us straight into conflict. It’s not the negative interactions themselves that are the problem; it’s how we respond to them that makes the biggest difference. Couples with high-performance relationships are champs, because they know what to do to repair the disconnection quickly after it occurs. Consider the following examples of repair:

1. Acceptance: First of all, they don’t fear conflict to the point where they deny the issue. They are willing to tell the truth when alignment is interrupted.
2. Attitude: They accept that conflict isn’t dangerous, and that it even has some advantages when utilized properly. The dark side of relationships offers up opportunities to compare contrasting experiences and perspectives that can be a creative process leading to greater understanding.
3. Deep Breaths: Breathing deeply helps us to slow down and quiet the agitated mind so we can think more effectively.
4. Safety: With a strong commitment to the relationship, there is a sense of trust on both sides to continue the dialogue, even when feelings run high, until some completion is achieved.
5. Self-Discipline: We will have many opportunities to resist the temptation to indulge ourselves in blurting out criticism. Self-discipline allows us to put thought between feeling and speaking or behaving. Practicing self-restraint allows us to pause to reflect so that skillful choices are made that will enhance the dialogue.
6. Non-Reactive Listening: By really taking in what the other person is saying, our partner is assured that we care and want to know what they are feeling and what they need.
7. Paraphrasing: Repeating in our own words, “What I hear you saying is…” allows for an opportunity to clear up any distortion. And it helps our partner to calm down and relax, trusting that their message has been received.
8. Tone: Keeping a sharp, accusatory tone out of the conversation is a big plus.
9. Manipulation: Manipulations of all kinds (withdrawal, threats, ultimatums, distraction, etc.) put people on the defensive. We are wise to become aware of the ways we manipulate and delete them all.
10. Ask Questions: When we ask questions, we are showing that we want to understand the other person’s point of view.
11. Requests: When demands and commands are issued, it is a turn-off to our partner. Turning complaints into requests rather than criticism is a skillful way of avoiding negativity.
12. Feedback: Feedback is not criticism; it’s sharing our personal responses to what the other person is saying and doing.

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